One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
