Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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