I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
