I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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