plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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