just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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