Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
