Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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