I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
how do flat chested girls get laid?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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