We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
did i just pee glitter
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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