Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
