he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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