can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
