So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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