Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
