Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
