im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
