And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
