Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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