then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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