My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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