I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
