Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i wish my penis had a tongue
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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