Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
