You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
