How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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