Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
