I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
