Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
