the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Ketchup is God's man juice
We are two peas in an std pod
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
