if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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