Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
