I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
