Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
