I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
