i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
