so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
