I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
