can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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