Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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