I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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