It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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