how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
