You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
