Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
