this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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