I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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