Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Randomize
