How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
