Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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